I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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