So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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