so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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