ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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