I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize