He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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