Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
