I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
