Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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