he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
