The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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