Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
