So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize