Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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