So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
