it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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