I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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