1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
