I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
