you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
