i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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