I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
