I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
