I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
