I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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