You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
