What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
