Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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