Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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