i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
