hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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