no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
