This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
