I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
