mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
