I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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