i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just puked most of my soul out..
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