A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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