you traded sex for a burrito?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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