Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
