And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
