I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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