hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
