i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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