Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
