I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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