New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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