my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
