Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
