I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
