I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
