I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
