i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
