I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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