Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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