I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
love makes seman taste better
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
