but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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