Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
